Walking and Memory Loss

Well I would tell you about my weekend but I do not really remember it... My memory is getting really bad and I am not so sure what to do... Things enter one ear and before they can make it out the other I do not remember what it is flowing through my head. It is so frustrating! I have to stop what I am doing so often and just sit there and try to remember something. Sometimes things "slip" my mind that would be considered a long term memory like the name of a mountain or the name of my cat. Sometimes it is as short term as "did I hug that person goodbye 5 seconds ago?" When I think about it I want to just break down but... I often forget about that detail. Not good because I am forgetting what should be the driving force behind doing something about this. So I always forget to look into what I can do to improve this situation...

Well, I have been walking every morning. Started out with 0.30 miles and now I am doing a whopping half a mile a day! Sarcasm, but hey, I was in a wheelchair unsure if I would ever walk again not to long ago so I really should not complain. I think it has something to do with the memory loss crap, the memory of me at my worst is fading away so I forget to not take everything for granted. I mean not too long ago I could not even brush my teeth so... Yeeeaaaaah..... Half a mile in 12 minutes for today and as much as I wish it was not so, that is thanks to all the Baclofen I take... Even though today my legs already feel tight just 2.5 hours after taking the drug...

"I forgot what I was going to say..." haha...

Been reading still, I try to read out loud to myself to work on my speech. I think my attention span is improving a little bit.  I should note while it is in thought, I am writing this short blog post over the course of like, an hour. Have to get up, walk around, and try to remember all this crap. Anyways, I know I got out a couple of times over the weekend. Well at least once. Went to dinner with a friend for the first time in for ever, so that felt pretty good even though I felt really bad because I realized how bad my memory was and how bad I am at holding a conversation now... Still nice! For me at least!..

I can't think of what else to say... I need to start a daily journal since the one in my head does not work anymore. Need to keep track of my life somehow! Ugh... I need that neurology appointment to come sooner. If I can start driving today (gasp, what???) then I will start calling in for cancellations to see if I can get in sooner because this is... crap.... Oh, I need to see about signing up for a class, man, this memory sucks! Will leave it at that for today, I hope tomorrow will be a better day of writing!

OMG, wait, duh. I raised a few hundred buck towards my stem cell fundraiser, yay! CLICK HERE to visit my fundraiser page or HERE to visit/Like my facebook page! Thanks!

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Matt's MS - Help Me Beat MS With Non-Controversial Stem Cells!

Finally done! Was working on this video for ever! Disappointed in the crappy upload though, sorry for the skips and mismatching audio, not sure what happened with Youtube, but it's up! Quick watch, thank you in advanced for ANY donations!

 http://www.giveforward.com/msisbsmattcanhasstemcells

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Fast Food, Quick Regret. I Also Went For a Walk.

I was having a bad day yesterday, just one of those days you know? It started off well, that is what I do not get. Decided I was going to go for a walk, just needed to get out on my own. So I went for a walk. Short, but a walk, and on my own. I made it to the end of our street, to the main road, and I just stood there for a while watching the cars pass by. It was... Nice... I guess "normal" was just nice... Traffic, the bees in the trees, the bumpy sidewalk, "normal". To top it off the weather was great!

Some stuff happened at home that just triggered something inside, guess that is where my day went wrong. I asked for a ride to Starbucks, I just needed to get out, to read. It was crowded so I decided to do something I have not done in a while. I walked accross the street to Wendy's and got myself a burger and fries. I was having a bad day and I just needed to taste that "normal", I mean, what the heck? I did not get a soda by the way, it was a Hi-C which I barely took a few sips of, too sweet... I ate everything else clean, and before I left the building, I felt sick.

Made it back to Starbucks, got a Naked juice, and read for a while. I felt sick and started feeling extremely tired. I pushed on and read until my eyes started falling heavy. I could not stay awake, so I called for my ride home. I felt sick the rest of the night, I will never eat that crap again! It was not worth it! Garbage! Garbage! Garbage!

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I am Loosing Track of Each Second

Writing freely is becoming harder and harder each day, or so it feels... My memory loss is just so bad, I am loosing track of each second in my life. What happened yesterday? This morning? An hour ago? 5 minutes ago? I do not know and it's so frustrating. I can sit down and spend a few minutes trying to recollect something that should just pop into my mind in a few seconds but that stresses me out and is not always worth it. The other day I could not remember my cats name. I sat down and stared at her for ever, just thinking, thinking, thinking. What was this cats name? Why can I not remember it?? I finally did, Willow, but I wanted to just break down in tears because I was so frustrated with myself. I am 22 and have a memory worse than most grandparents. I wish I could properly explain my frustration.

I need to try that lumocity thing but I keep forgetting (haha) and now that I remember I am out of money... Should get paid soon... I see my neurologist on the 15th and will bring this issue up. I have not looked into it much but I am sure they can give me Adderall or something which I bet would help with fatigue as well. From what I hear students all over the USA are popping that stuff like candy so if I can't get some to try I'll be pretty mad...

Speaking of pills, after a full week, I finally got some Baclofen for my legs... The tightness is gone in my right leg, the tightness that was causing all the pain, so now I have been trying to loosen up my legs to see if I can walk. I can... Which is depressing me... You see, this medication makes me unbelievably tired... I can be walking around after 4 cups of coffee (which I have not had in 2 years) and still be falling asleep as I am walking. So I am depressed because before I was living unknowing if I could walk properly again. I felt that I could but did not know for sure so it was all up to my imagination  which of course painted a pretty nice picture. Thanks to Baclofen I know that I can physically walk when my legs are not tight but the problem is, in order to loosen them up I get so tired that... I can not really walk... It's a loose loose situation. I am interested in trying Ampyra...

Anyways, I have been reading again. It's hard but I am getting better at it and I no longer need my glasses to read. Just hard to follow the lines so I guide myself with my bookmark. Reading "Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter" right now because one of my nurses insisted that I did and so far I am liking it. I am liking that I am reading again but it is really making me want to start working on my novel again! I need to re-write the whole thing for so many different reasons but I am not ready for something of that magnitude so I will just be patient... So yeah, I try to read before bed now... Keyword: Try.

Oh yeah, so the other night I slept without the noise of the TV for the first time this year since my first hospital stay in... February? I have always needed some kind of noise to fall asleep and in the hospital they gave me a TV so that kind of became a huge crutch considering I used to be fine with a fan. After I came home I moved a TV in my room and now I can't sleep without it. The other night I aimed to put an end to that so I put some classical music on and took my "sleepy meds" and I slept well... I suppose. But that lasted one night... I guess watching some TV before bed helps me escape for a bit... -SIGH- I hate TV but the Science Channel and the History Channel are OK...

Let's see... Had some family over on Saturday, felt rather sick yesterday, and today? Well so far so good but I'll knock on wood just to be safe... Would like my SSI check already so I can get some printer ink and start working on a personal journal about my life since I am loosing, if not lost, the ability to remember it if I did not write it down. Would also like to get some healthy food to juice and a few other things. Then I will donate some to my fundraiser. I REALLY hope I can get some more donations and spread the word some more! One step at a time, I have to constantly tell myself that, one step at a time.

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VIDEO: Matt's MS - Spasticity and Pain, Oh Yeah, Stem Cells??

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Symptom Log - First in a Long Time!

So I have not done this in a while, almost all year... I just updated my symptom log page and wow, nothing for 2012. I need to start adding 2011 somehow but not sure if I can do that because I did not organize all this the same. Anyways, let me overwhelm you with a decent list, I am going to post what I have right now and what I have experienced over the coarse of the year.

This Week

• Spasticity in Legs
• Difficulty Walking
• Balance
• Blind Spot In Left Peripheral
• Slight Numbness in Hands
• Pins and Needles in Hands
• Cognitive Issues (Memory Loss, Problem Solving, Etc)
• L'hermites Sign
• Lack of Coordination
• Slurred Speech
• Jerking/Twitching Muscles
• Fatigue
• Severe Heat Sensitivity
• Pain
• Skin Sensitivity to Cold Objects
• Right leg is cramping really bad

This Year

• MS Hug
• Drop Foot
• Clonus in Legs
• Itching Sensation On Head
• Grinding/Clenching Teeth
• Partial Paralysis
• Loss of Taste
• Inability to Swallow
• Burning Sensations
• Vertigo/Vestibular Ataxia
• Problems Breathing
• Problems Hearing
• Ringing in Ears
• Hiccups
• Insomnia
• Sever spasticity in right leg

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Loosing My Mind Being Stuck Inside!

Actually, I am loosing my mind over lots of things! I am so sick of being inside, being in this room! I have not REALLY got outside in half a year, I need out! I need my legs back!

What is really getting to me is that I feel stuck in every aspect of my life. I do not have a car and I run out of energy by time my parents get home. So, I am stuck at home. I want to take a class at the community college but like I said, no ride... Stuck at home. I don't have my own car anymore so even though I know I can drive at this point, I don't have a car to drive, and I make so little money with SSI that I doubt I could save enough to buy my own car. I hate this, I am stuck.

If I want to run a quick errand I can't anymore, I have to wait like a week before my parents have time to take me. I have very little independence for a 22 year old, a lot since my first hospital stay, but now that I am doing so much better it is hard to not want more. I feel like I am in hi-school again, always asking for a ride, but I can not even walk anymore, so don't even have that. Stupid spasticity... I look at myself in the mirror and I look fine, I feel like I should be able to run but I can't, I am stuck in this body that is not mine.

So I am trying not to stress but I am loosing my mind in this room, I need to get out on my own. I miss driving to see my friend, walking around downtown, eating out, can't remember the last time I had that. I need my independence back already. Not the ideal financial situation but better... Still feel stuck. No car, never enough money, health sucks, can't get a job, not sure about school, I want a normal life. Anyways...

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Burning, Sneezing, Energy, Spasticity, and House Work

Today is going to be a random topic day. I had an odd weekend and I guess I thought it would be a good idea to write down everything I wanted to talk about without organizing it, so here we go...

I did not have too much pain this weekend, at least I do not remember ir. I did have that burning sensation again, upper left chest. Nothing serious but I did want to document it.

I also wanted to document something I always forget about! Ever since my first stay at the hospital this year I can not seem to sneeze! I need to but I either have to "hold it in" or let it turn into a cough! What the heck! So that was on my list of random facts...

Energy. Oh man how I miss it. It's like my capacity was cut in half! Around 1:00pm I run out and I try napping for half an hour to an hour, with the help of my alarm, but no matter what I find myself waking up like 3 hours later! ARG! I so miss coffee...

Spasticity still sucks, can not tell if the magnesium I added to my cocktail is helping or not. Need more time I suppose but I am so tired of this, tired of not being able to walk properly. Guess I should not complain, I was in a wheelchair not too long ago and now I can get around on my own two feet.

I spent most of yesterday trying to do some house work, I was so bored! I needed to move! So I watered the yard and moved to the garage which has been a wreck since we moved in to the new house. I worked a long time. Did not time it because I was not expecting to really get into it but of course, I did... Once I start I just can not stop no matter how tired I am! Got some cleaning done, installed the new door knob, fixed the back door, and a few other little things... I miss working in the receiving room trying to knock out load and get the back all nice and clean. Miss it.

I did not get much done but I guess for someone who has been in and out of the hospital all year I did so I'll take it. I paid for that work though, was so dizzy and my legs were tightening up... Worth it... Felt good to get something done, to not sit around... I wish I could do more but I suppose I also wish I had a really nice car, a house in the mountains, and the ability to fly, why not?

Today I still feel kind of tight but it's OK because there is a reason for it today so I don't care as much. Loosing my mind because all I want to do is jump back into the garage and work, work, work! But I can't... I hate that word... Can't... ARG! So much yard work I want to do! At least the backyard is coming back to life! Should have done a before picture so I could compare but I thought it was as dead as it gets... Man! I hate sitting here!

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Rebif Update, SSI, and Stem Cell Fundraiser!

8:30am - Getting ready for Rebif injection at 9:00am. Hoping the crappy feeling I had the other day was not the medication, will take more Ibuprofen today just in case... Maybe...

Was in a lot of pain yesterday, in my right leg the most. Cramping, Spasticity, and nerve pain was shooting down my thigh to my ankle but it was not sciatic, it just sucked. Took some Norco (2X 10/325) for the first time in for ever and it finally worked for me... Made walking extra difficult though... Dizzy. Yay.

Got some Magnesium for the spasticity, hoping it helps but it's too soon to tell. Need to start exercising my legs for that. Stretching in particular and the bike as well because sitting around all day can not be helping... Need to get a hold of this because physically this is holding me back the most at the moment... I want to just go for a quick walk, is that asking too much? I have to exercise and earn it. EARN that walk.


11:54am - Just got back from the social security office... I don't want to be there, I would rather a job. Got my new address and info in the system so I should see a slight raise soon. Appeal for disability can take up to one year I guess so I will settle for SSI, I do not want to be collecting welfare that long anyways...

Went to Home depot after that and was able to walk around a bit without leaning on the shopping cart, just my cane and I. Got a UV light bulb for my indoor garden of house plants. Need to install that light somehow and fix my fountain. Will post pictures of the "garden" later.


1:03pm - Still no side effects, yay! Perhaps the other day was just a coincidence? Definitely not complaining! So Tired! NOT going to nap today, got to keep busy! Active! I think I will start messing with my little garden encloser?

OH YEAH! DUH!!!!

My mother has successfully taken over my fundraiser for the stem cell treatment I want that will hopefully give me back some life! The procedure is in Panema city and they will use my own stem cells and some from donated umbilical cords so NOTHING controversial here, they just do not do it here in the states.

I just want to walk well enough to do little hikes again, nature walks. Some vision would be nice as well but that is all I really want, if I could wish for anything that is.

I have a lot of money to raise and we will have some in person fundraisers soon. For now we start online! Will document this journey closely! You can find the fundraiser page by clicking HERE or you can donate by using the widget under my picture to the right of my blog. ---->

THANK YOU!!!!

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VIDEO: Matts MS - Update - Was in Hospital Again

Listed my symptoms, medication, and oh, went back to hospital, yay. At least the move is over and things LOOK like they are turning around... Knock on wood...

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Skin Pain, Rebif, and Sleep.

Today was a waste of a day.

From the start; I did learn that the full dose of Rebif did not cause me any symptoms... Wait a minute... Just made a connection...

All day my skin hurt, sensitive to the touch and the cold, more than usual... I have had this before but not for a while... Even the cool breeze seemed to burn...  Between this and my fatigue I decided to take a nap which quickly turned into a "tiger nap" as some of my MS friends and I call it now. My phone alarm went off, I answered a math problem, and I crawled back into bed for... A long time... Sleeping made everything worse of course...

So Maybe this was the Rebif? Not sure now... LITERALLY did not make a connection til just now... Not nauseous  though... We will see on Friday if this happens again. I am going to cut it here, want to take some Norco but that is just a waste of... Everything... Ibuprofen it is... Hopefully tomorrow is better.

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Back to Loma Linda as a Visitor This Time

Today I got to do something besides driving that I have meant to do for a while now, I got to visit some of my therapists from rehab from the first time I went to the hospital this year!

Remember when I disappeared for like 2 months? Yeah I still need to write about that but I keep forgetting... Point is, I pretty much lived with these people for 2 months and they worked really hard to “rebuild” me, to get me back up on my feet. Everyone recognized me right away, by time I realized who they were they had already rushed me outside or down the hall, it was nice! It was odd seeing them, I was in such an odd state of mind at that time, I don't know, it was just weird but definitely awesome! I saw the door to ONE of my rooms and heard all the odd beeping sounds which I hated, they brought back all the bad feelings haha... I hate those beeps... But my therapists are awesome! OT's and PT's!

I DO have to go back and catch a few people who were not there today but I will write about all that very soon!

I feel like I am starting to get a hold of my life again, well, a little. I do not feel so buried... I worked on my paperwork last night which has built up all year, letters I have not even opened. I shredded so much, now I just have to organize it all... Feels good to have some “control” back even though NOTHING “feels” the same anymore. That picture does no justice to what I started with by the way...

I have a lot of work to do here on the blog including working on my fundraiser endeavor but all in good time right?

Before I go for now, I start my full dose of Rebif tomorrow, a tad nervous, I am sure it will be just fine but I SOOO do not want flu like symptoms. Will post on that tomorrow!

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About Me - My Sypmtoms

Last Updated: 3-6-12

Lately

• Leg Cramps 
• Shakey hands and Legs
• Spasticity in Legs
• Difficulty Walking/Inability to Walk
• Poor Balance
• Vision Loss/Impairment
• Double Vision
• Blind Spot In Left Peripheral
• Numbness in Hands/Legs
• Pins and Needles in Hands/Legs
• Cognitive Issues (Memory Loss, Problem Solving, Etc)
• Lack of Coordination
• Clumsy (Always Dropping Things)
• Jerking/Twitching Muscles
• Sever Fatigue New Meds Helping?"
• Clonus in Legs (On & Off)
• Heat Sensitivity
• Pain(On & Off)
• Skin Sensitivity to Cold Objects

Past

•  L'hermites Sign
•  Itching Sensation On Head
• Drop Foot
• Grinding/Clenching Teeth 
• MS Hug
• Partial Paralysis
• Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS)
• Loss of Taste
• Slurred Speech
• Inability to Swallow
• Burning Sensations
• Vertigo/Vestibular Ataxia
• Mood Swings
• Problems Breathing
• Problems Hearing
• Ringing in Ears
• Hiccups
• Insomnia

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Hospital Stay June 27, 2012 - June 29, 2012

This was a quick, easy, boring stay... I spent like 8 hours at the ER, finally got admitted, and then spent three days laying in bed bored.

I was having major vision issues, in that, I could not see... It was like my eyes were crossed! Told them I did not want Prednisone, it does not work anymore... I wanted Solu-Medrol (IV Steroids)... They gave me 1,000mg a day for 3 days over the coarse of an hour and then I felt great. Vision started clearing up and so did some of the other symptoms but nothing went away, just the vision thing, as much as it will, back to my baseline...

They were supposed to send me om with Prednisone (I was going to try a low dose for an extended period of time) and a prescription for outpatient IV steroid treatments but I never got that... What ever... Oh Yeah, told the nurse when I showed up that I did not need pain killers because she asked if I did. Then the next day I REALLY did, I just could not suppress it anymore. I said that I didn't want 1X Norco (5/325) because I now take 3X 10/325 at a time (30/975) and it does nothing to me. I wanted a Percocet just to see if something different would help. She asked my doctor and he said "No, you are too young to be on that kind of medication".

Really??? I have been on it all, I have empty bottles of it at home! If 3X 10/325 will not help why would 1X 5/325 help??? Too young?? I forgot that pain discriminate against age, oh wait... Pain is pain and I was in a lot. I just asked for 1X Ibuprofen because 1X Norco is just going to add to my addiction. Pft... The ibuprofen did not help... Duh...

Well had a decent room mate and I was in and out in 3 days so can not complain after what I have been through.

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About Me - MS Hospital Visits

Visit 1 - February 5, 2012 - March 21, 2012

Visit 2 - End of May (Around May, 19, 2012)

Visit 3 -  June 27, 2012 - June 29, 2012
Visit 4 - August 20, 2012 - August 24, 2012 
Visit 5 - September 18, 2012 - September 20, 2012

-BACK TO ABOUT ME-

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OK It Has Been Rough, ARG!

OK, I keep trying to come back online and return to life, I pop my head back in the door, then for one reason or another I take off again. It seems I just can not get my head on strait... I have been depressed... Mourning perhaps... Mourning the loss of my health... The loss of control of my life, of everything... I have just been negative lately but I think I maybe have a hold of it now. Trying to start the week off with a better attitude! I even cut my hair! Fresh start! Again!

I have new things in my life that I should be happy about. I have a new bedroom, bathroom, space to myself, and as mentioned before (I think) I now have SSI (income) which is not much but it is so much more than nothing! Nice that I can swipe my card again! Yes I would rather have a job of my own but I also want a Corvette... Got to be happy with what I have, got to appreciate all the little victories. Things are turning around I suppose but it will just take time to really get my life going again. Multiple Sclerosis has really messed me up this year and we are only halfway through it...

You know what I have not done in for ever? Share my symptoms and medication... So here I go...

Symptoms:

Spastisity (legs) – Just stiff enough to make walking difficult. This has been the case for months and months but I have been too distracted by my other symptoms to identify that it is an issue...

Balance

MS Hug – Not to bad right now...

Numbness/Pins and Needles in hands – Getting used to it.

Minor Vertigo – Was way bad before, now I really only feel it when I tilt my head too much or move around too fast...

Major Cognitive Impairment – Man I thought it was bad before but now I know what real cog-fog is...

Occasional Ringing in the Ears

Vision Loss – Has been in and out, a few weeks ago I was near blind, now I am not even wearing my glasses...
Itching on Head

Slurred Speech – Has not been too, too, bad but I hate this so much.

Muscle Twitching – Pretty much only at night.

Random Pain – Everywhere

Extreme Fatigue – Has been OK lately, well, under control at least.

L'hermites Sign – Here and there...

Trouble Sleeping

Depression?

Hard Time Hearing

Skin Sensitivity to Cold

Medication

Rebif

Gabapentin

Citalopram

Norco (As Needed)

Calcium

Vitamin D

Vitamin B12

Lecethin

Glucosamine

I have cut out most pharmaceuticals and am trying to stick with supplements and soon diet, AGAIN, kind of, I will explain that later... I also bought a new A/C unit for my room so I can stay cool since heat is the enemy for most people with MS. I take cold showers and sit with an icepack on my neck when I need it. Trying to get some exercise back in the loop... It will all take some time and this is definitely all not anywhere near enough... I want to try a few new medications like Ampyra (Dalfampridine) once I do more research because I am so sick of the whole not being able to walk well thing... I see the neuro in August... So we will see...

I have also been trying to start a fundraiser to raise money for a stem cell treatment but the timing was bad when I first started it. My mother will be taking over the management of the fundraiser. Will have more on that as the information comes. The widget on the right side of my blog under my photo has more info, OH! Almost forgot! The stem cells come from ME and donated umbilical cords so nothing controversial here! Anyways the procedure is done in Panama and I know someone who has received several transplants and she is doing so well!

Oh did I mention? I got behind the wheel of a car! Ba-Boom!

OK It was weird because I have not driven since January but there was a while that I was honestly starting to think I may never drive again. Sure I am in the middle of nowhere and I only drove down a strip of road for 60 seconds but I learned a lot, most importantly, I am pretty sure I will be driving soon. Guess I will have to start saving for that Tacoma after all? So I think that will give me the burst of motivation I need to be positive again, it felt good!

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I am Back Online and Out of the Hospital

Well, I am finally back! There is so much to say, so much I want to say, so much I should say, but no way to say it all in one simple post. Looking back I was obviously really frustrated right before I decided to take my little break. I guess the reality of my situation is finally sinking in, I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to get better, whatever better is. I still am frustrated but I guess I can say I am getting a hold of it. Maybe... Still not doing as well as I wish I was mentally or physically but it is what it is.

Let's see, last I remember the biggest thing I had to talk about was the fact that I was moving. So I guess I will briefly start there, I think the packing went relatively well, really quick! It seems that the stress of the situation sent me over the edge as far as my health was concerned. I relapsed and of course ended up back in the hospital for a few days. I'm not happy with the amount of time I have been spending at that place this year, I'm not happy with the fact that a lot of the staff in the hospital remembers me, I'm not happy that I remember most of the food selections on the menu.

I got out of the hospital the other day and I am now in my new house, my new room, my new neighborhood. It is nice, it feels much more fitting, lots more space, and I am relatively isolated in the house so I can have my own space, I can breathe, etc. etc. It has been a very slow set up here because I just can't do what I used to do, it is very depressing. No longer is installing a new door knob a simple task but one that requires much preparation. Yes I can still do it, no I could not have done it just four months ago, yes I should be happy that I have what I have, but it is still frustrating because 90% of the things that I used to be able to do without much thought requires my undivided attention now. Even using this voice recognition software is difficult with my new slurred speech. I love it. Not.

So what am I to do? I do not know? I am so lost and so overwhelmed with my health. I just want this to be over but it will never be over. I feel like I should have a lot to say but I just don't, I feel like a child with a box of Legos but no directions, not even a picture to go off of. What the hell do I do?

I literally have to rebuild myself from the ground up now, I thought I did before but it now is so much more real. Mentally I am a wreck, I am falling apart more and more everyday. This is also affecting me emotionally, I just want to give up, but giving up is literally not an option when dealing with multiple sclerosis. You just start getting worse and you have to fight your way back up that much more, so I can't even give up and get a break for a while, it just kicks me in the butt if I stop fighting for a split second.

Anyways, I do not want to vent today so let me just say this, I'm getting Social Security now, I am in a new house, and a new neighborhood. I have lots of options to choose from right now, I just have to do it, choose and act. I don't know how I will to accomplish what I want to accomplish but I do know that I'm sick of this, I just want to walk again, run, hike. I just want to be able to see again so that I can drive once more. Having my brain back would be nice to but unfortunately right now I'm still stuck in a cognitive wonderland.

I don't know where to start as far as my recovery is concerned but I suppose I just have to attack one thing at a time and see where life takes me. I know nothing comes overnight but man this is so hard when you cannot see any positive progress. I am pretty sure I've mentioned this before but all I want to do is collapse into tears but I am all out, I can cry no more, so it's on to the next thing, whatever that is…

I am slowly going to try to get this blog running again but bare with me, it might take some time… I am more messed up than I know how to explain all right now…

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