One thing I am learning about MS is that it is important to look forward and not back. There is
nothing to look back on that will bring any good to one's life. To look back is to regret, to wish we had what we have lost or to wish we had taken a different path. I made a mistake. I am making a mistake as you read this and I go on writing. I have now come within the event horizon, there is no turning back, I have to ride this out now.
I looked back...
I had a job, I had money, I had a truck, I had friends, a life, a girlfriend. I had hobbies, talents, a routine. I spent a lot of time at a local coffee shop where I read a book one page at a time everyday and/or every night. “Coffee Shop Girl” and I clearly had a thing for one another. I helped her rearrange the shop, we sat and talked on her brakes, sometimes she was not on a brake, it was nice. Everyone there knew me, I would walk in and they would start making my drink because they knew what I wanted. It was nice...
My job had a lot of negatives but I had a sense of responsibility. I knew what I was doing and everyone knew that I knew what I was doing, I liked that. I was put in charge of a lot, I did store resets when CVS bought us (Longs). I worked at 13 different stores, a few of which were fighting over me. I made a decent amount of money for someone my age. I always had something to talk about, I could support myself, pay my own bills...It was nice.
I started dating a coworker and around that time the store slowly fell apart as our new manager was just that,
new, and he did not know what he was doing. The “power” got to his head and he treated us horribly and lied left and right. So a bunch of us quit. From that day on my life has been downhill.
Why oh why did I quit?
There is so much more that I had and lost but right now this is what is sticking out for what ever reason... My dating life was falling apart and I was stuck in a world of unemployment braked only by a few seasonal gigs or under the table jobs. It was at this time that I was diagnosed with
MS. I had no job, unemployment ran out, so I had no money, I was loosing some of my friends, my relationship was falling apart, it was not very nice. To add to the symbolism of my good life ending the coffee shop that I spent everyday in had just closed down and the building has remained empty ever since to serve as a reminder of my past's
end.
As my disease progressed I learned the true colors of my so called friends. I lost most of them. My girlfriend (at the time) and I were on and off for the next few years, it was horrible. I slowly lost the rest of my friends. I think I held them to too high of a standard... I miss having friends and I miss being in a relationship. I miss having money and responsibility... Disneyland... My own car... A working body...
Fighting all this alone is hard and hurtful. If I didn't have my parents and my MS friends online I would not be where I am
today but it's still not the same as spending time with friends or a significant others. Sometimes I wish I could go back but that is just a
symptom of regret,
I tell you, do not look back, only look forward.
"In the end everything will be OK, if it's not OK then we haven't reached the end".
