Usually I can control it but I have lost it. I am snapping at every tiny thing... My poor heart is going to fail from the stress.
I look like a stereotypical drunkard when I walk. I am crashing into things, bumping into walls. falling, etc. I can't see, the world is spinning, balance? What is that?? I am falling apart.
I am braking everything. It's a combination of my strength not being in sync with my coordination and... Well my coordination itself. I broke my laptop screen, my noise canceling headphones, my USB audio adapter so I can USE those headphones, etc, etc. Last night I lost it and threw my phone across the room. Luckily it all pieced back together. Go figure. When I WANT to brake something it won't brake but when I don't it crumbles in my hands.
I can't type. Keep hitting wrong keys.
I have no form of stress relief, everything makes me worse. Even in my sleep I stress in my dreams. What the hell does that say? I am disabled even in my dreams... There is no escape.
I need a couple days away in a hotel where I can enjoy the silence. Here from the moment I wake up till I go to bed there is always noise, doors opening and shutting all through the night... I broke my best means of getting through the noise which I am extra sensitive to.
Hold on... Writing used to be a stress reliever for me but now I am stressing out because I am spending more time fixing stupid mistakes than I am writing. Need a second to breathe.
I don't know what to do, I can not control anything about me anymore, my legs, my hands, my emotions, NOTHING.
Doctor only wants me on Copaxone, won't give me any short term relief when I KNOW from my past experience that steroids would have me back on my feet and using my hands. Doctor knows best right??? She might be right about that 6 month deadline because she is causing me permanent damage, SHE IS.
I don't know what to do. If I want to fix my health I have to do it without the damn neuro because all they care about is making money off me. No forget the cheap steroids, take the $4,300 injections that are probably worse for me than nothing at all! I have so much research I need to do but I can't handle this stress.
I was popping pills. There, I said it, Norcos were my escape. Being high on prescription medication is what got me through the last couple of weeks. I was being weak, those pills, they are a killer, so now I am not touching them but I don't know how to deal with life anymore. I have lost my cool.
I just want to walk better and not feel dizzy every minute of my life, am I asking for too much?