My name is Matt and I am 22 years old living with Multiple Sclerosis in SoCal. Most people fins me via my blog at http://www.mattsms.com and I work to connect people with MS from all over the world of different ages, genders, and walks of life.
t's the end of 2012 and a lot of us are celebrating Christmas or some other holiday but what ever it is doesn't really matter to me! It's time to come together and give! Those of us with MS often hear or say "there is always someone else out there who has it worst then you". This is true but don't get me wrong, having MS is still hard, but since it's that time of the year we should all really be thankful for what we do have and try to give all we can or provide what ever kind of help we can to those who are less fortunate then us! We can't change the entire world, but we can do what ever we can to improve it. Everything makes a difference!
Well, it's that time of the year so today I took a day trip up to Big Bear with my friend Cyndi! It was so nice up there! It wasn't too cold but there was still tuns of fresh snow everywhere! The air was clean, no breeze, and it was dead silent, pure peace, and for someone like me who is sensitive to the heat, paradise. I felt so good up there I wish I could have stayed in that location and time for ever! I think the snow is my favorite form of MS treatment there is!
It's really frustrating right now because everything is so sensitive. I see some improvement and then something causes me to back track. Unfortunately my motor skills are suffering the most right now and I hate that because at least with pins and needles or numbness you can still function OK but when your hands go out it's hard to take care of business! When your legs grow weak it's hard to hide the fact that your ill! Of course I can't help thinking about my desire to have money again, a job, to attack school full blast, etc so these back tracks are extra frustrating because not only am I taking a step away from good health but I am taking a step away from my goals in life and then the stress from that causes my health to take another step back and so the vicious circle begins.
Well first of all I just wanted to mention that the Prednisone seems to be helping a bit. My walking is much better but my hands are still not back to normal. I can type and do most things as usual but they just feel somewhat stiff and certain motions are hard to do; sometimes my strength slips away... I don't even want to say I hope they get better because that would imply that part of me fears they won't and I can't afford that, I need my hands! I am at 80mg of Prednisone right now and I am about to kick it down to 60mg come Monday. I have also been taking the Gabapentin consistently which seems to be helping a little with the pain although I have been feeling it in my fingers all day today which could be a result of me once again thinking about my lacking financial life. Stress is bad. Perhaps the Prednisone has been helping with the pain as well? Who Knows.
Well for now at least, you see, I have had three flare ups in the last 4 weeks or so. I had one steroid treatment (IV) which cleared most of it up until I got a really bad cold which brought it all back and more. I started getting better and then fell apart again! I was not going in to the doctors at this point for what ever reason (probably because there is nothing they could do but give me Prednisone so hmmm... I dug out an old bottle of Prednisone, logged on to KP.org, and requested a refill even though I was all out of refills. Sure enough, they are so careless that a doctor I have not seen in almost a year refilled a new order of Prednisone! I picked it up today and will be starting a taper from about 80mg which should help clear everything that's left all up! Yay!
When I first started this blog I wanted to spread positivity and help people connect. Some would say I have done that. I have brought almost 270 MS'er together in my Facebook support group alone and have received numerous emails from people who found my Youtube videos helpful despite the fact that I think they could be done so much better. I had a message and that message helped many but now I am finding that I am lost. I no longer have a clue as to what I believe in. I am loosing faith in people, I have become a morbidly pessimistic person, and I don't like it. Worst of all, I don't know what to do.
Well, I know I have not been on top of the updates lately, with the way things have been I should be posting everyday. I just... I am having a rough time. I know there is always, ALWAYS, someone out there who is in a worse situation then I am but that doesn't make my situation hurt any less. I can only compare the pain that I feel to the pain that I have felt. I am so stressed out right now, I have been stressed for a while but I can't handle it anymore and I just don't know what to do. It's not just because of the MS, it's just life in general. What I am most frustrated about is that I can't get a job, I can't afford a car, I can't go to school next semester, I can't move forward. My life is wasting away here in this bedroom. I am loosing my mind. I don't know what to do.
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