Progress Update: This MS BS is Getting Old

ms multiple sclerosis relapse symptom

As I have mentioned many times before, everyone has their up's and down's and as positive as I struggle to be I inevitably experience some down times... Right now is one of those times... I have been trying my best to stay positive but it seems as though life is kicking me while I'm down. My MS symptoms have been getting worse... My eft leg is really weak and has very little coordination in it. It also feels like I need to stretch it all the time but no matter how much I stretch it that tedious feeling won't go away. It's not painfull it's just unpleasent.

My vision has been pretty bad lately, it will come and go throughout the day but for the most part it has been pretty blurry and my blind spot has been rather present... The tingling in my left hand has also got worse and so has it's fine motor controll... Depth perception is a little funky and I am noticing a little lhermites sign today... My legs got really tingling after I went for a walk but right now they seem ok... I just feel a little tingling in my elbows when I tilt my heda down, hopefully that won't come back full blast...

Oh yeah, as a result of my left leg being weak I have to lock my knee a bit to walk better: something my body has already made a habit of doing when my leg is like this. So after a decent amount of walking (or usually by the end of the day) my knee hurts really bad from walking on it wrong... The other night was really bad... I can't stand it.

Also been fighting fatigue and really bad brain fog... Will forget what I'm doing, what I was talking about, won't be able to think of certain words and I can't remember where the heck I put my referral to Loma Linda! Although I probably would have forgot that one either way... I just hate how I can't think clearly...

Now on top of that I am loosing my mind because I wanted to have a car and job by now but I am no closer to that then I was two months ago... At least I don't feel like it... I have no money, bills are coming up, and disability cut me off... Basically... I'm SCREWED. I'm hoping I can pull some stuff together at the last minute but I hate living like this! I want a job with consistent pay, I want to be able to afford things, and I want to start saving money! I don't want to SURVIVE, I want to LIVE.

What makes it all worse is I feel like no one in my life (with a couple of exceptions) really understands how frustrating this MS BS is... How debilitating all the little things are when they all add up. It's just overwhelming! All I want is some simple understanding but I can't even get that... Sure I might look great but that doesn't mean I FEEL great or FUNCTION great... So now I feel like crap for "sitting on my butt all day" when I feel like I don't have much else choice... I HATE BEING CALLED LAZY! When I try to push myself to be active I start feeling everything get worse... I just want to see my new doctor so I can get some advice... I especially want to see the MS specialit at Loma Linda because I need to know how to get my life going, I can't function like this... Maybe I need different medications? I don't know... I just want this all to change...

Why can't life throw a little good my way? 
Not a lot, just a tiny, tiny, bit.... Just enough to help...  Ugh...

I have to go... I am getting even more frustrated trying to type... Can't hit the right keys... Getting tired of having to re-write every other word. Hopefully I'll be in a more positive mood in the next day or so, just trying to keep it chill for now. Had to vent, thanks for reading!